I suggested last time, that when we are hurt or angry, or both, we stop listening to each other, and start defending our own corner as soon as our partner speaks. How can we start listening to each other again? If Step 1 to becoming intimate again is stopping all the wounding remarks we make when we are frustrated, then the next steps are looking at each other, listening and feeling ‘heard’ in return.
‘Active’ listening is easier said than done; we want to interrupt, disagree, criticize, walk away. But there is research evidence which shows that couples who practise “Just 3 things” feel more understood, less defensive, closer: become more intimate. I have seen lots of couples who find it helps. It’s probably easier to practise it the first time with a counsellor, but if you can’t see one at the moment, have a go anyway. There are 10 simple steps: you decide who is Partner 1 and Partner 2, but alternate each time you practise it.
Step 1: Try to include a positive remark in your “3 things” – it takes 5 positive remarks to make up for 1 negative one
Step 2 : Sit together somewhere quiet, or if that feels impossible go for a walk together
Step 3: Turn to look at each other, hold hands (unless you really can’t), keep eye contact
Step 4: Partner 1 says “just 3 things” about how they are feeling: about your relationship, family, work.. It helps to begin with ” I feel that” or “I am finding that”
Step 5: The other just listens, doesn’t interrupt, keeps eye contact going if possible until their partner has finished their 3 things
Step 6: Partner 2 says ‘ (name) I have heard you say that……….’ without giving own opinion, or adding anything, just reporting back on what you have heard. You can ask if you have forgotten anything.
Step 7: Partner 1 says ‘thank you’
Step 8: Partner 2 says the 3 things that they want to share
Step 9: Partner 1 repeats back what they have heard and checks if they have forgotten anything, all the time keeping eye contact if possible.
Step 10: Partner 2 says ‘thank you’
There is no discussion afterwards. You may want to go on holding hands and looking at each other, or just sit quietly together for a few minutes. It’s about feeling ‘heard’ as much as it is about talking. So often, we feel no one really listens to us; it’s the greatest gift we can offer each other.